The Number One Mindset Trap When It Comes To Romance

The Difference Between Men and Women

Many women have maddeningly expressed to me (with regard to their significant other): “I want him to want to…

  • celebrate this special occasion.
  • date me!
  • pray over our family.
  • talk about his day with me.
  • hold my hand.

I don’t want to him to do it because he feels like he has to.”

I admit, I fall into the same boat πŸ˜‚.

In fact, I remember one day, early in our marriage, β€” when my husband was going to graduate school, training for an ultra race, and serving in a very time-consuming role at our church β€” I finally burst into tears:

I don’t want to have to tell you to skip a Saturday run, or a volunteer scout campout, or a hike with friends… after not getting to see each other all week long. I want you to want to spend time with me!

Men, on the other hand, often declare (with some warranted exasperation): “How will I know what she wants if she doesn’t tell me?” Or, “I can’t read her mind.”

And they make a great point!

Thus we are left with an infuriating conundrum: women want men to read their mind, and men, along with the rest of humankind, literally cannot follow through on such a request.

A New Definition of Romance

We can, and do, put a lot of thought into how to make someone we love happy β€” men and women alike.

But, if we’re honest, the “honeymoon” stage is real, and diminishes unintentionally over time. Because that A+ effort now gets divided between children, a mortgage, loss, mental & physical health, career choice, and so much more.

So, is there really a love lost?

While I might have disagreed with myself in previous years, I’m going to posit a big. huge. NO.

And it all comes down to something my sweet husband told me that completely changed the way that I, as a woman, think about romance.

Wanting romance to not feel like a ‘duty’ is understandable. But, in reality, duty is romantic. Duty means I choose to meet your needs even when I don’t feel like it. Duty means I meant it that first day when we said yes to forever. Because sometimes just doing all of the little things it takes to be a husband is hard work. That doesn’t make it mean less; it makes it mean more.

How romantic is that?

So the next time I wish I didn’t have to organize date night all by myself, or I don’t get the surprise chocolates I had my eye on, I’m going to remember:

He did all of the laundry while I was sick, and he didn’t say a thing.

He is gone from sun-up to sun-down to provide for our home and our family.

He has faith in me not only as a mom and a teacher for our kids, but as a wife, a woman, and a believer.

He supports my dreams and knows more of my heart now than he did back in those days of worry-free, carefree, and work-free.

And he believes this relationship is worth that work.

I’m telling you guys, the love only grows.

So, ladies, don’t be afraid to communicate. If you tell your sweetheart what you want, it doesn’t diminish his efforts.

And men, if your wife wants you to read her mind, what she’s really saying is: “I want to know to you love me”, so try to make sure she knows that you do.

A Disclaimer:

I’ve been blessed with an incredible, loving husband, but I know that isn’t always the case.

Both Joe and I have dealt with the challenges of blended families.

I’ve seen marriages devastated by mental health, and by mistakes.

I’ve seen people go too young.

I’ve seen friends stay single longer than I feel like I ever could have survived.

But all of the people in my life are strong, wonderful people. I know you are, too, wherever you’re at in the journey.

So, here’s to communicating more, not just with your spouse, but with everyone you are blessed to know, because it makes a difference.

And here’s to walking in love:

❀ Jenny

27 thoughts on “The Number One Mindset Trap When It Comes To Romance

  1. I love this!! My love language is touch and I don’t wait for hugs and cuddles. I pursue them. πŸ˜‚
    My husband too told me once he is not a mind reader. Men are very simple in thinking and sometimes I find that women can be complex.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I love that – pursuing your spouse – beautifully put. I think we are both simple and complex in different things. But my mind definitely seems to be racing more πŸ˜… Sometimes I wish it would slow down!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I love the take on duty to be romantic. Never thought of it like that. Yes, communication is the biggest key. I would love to hear your take on what and how kids change that equation. Maybe a topic for another post 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am with you. Honestly that’s the stage we’re in right now – so you let me know if you figure it out, too, will you, please? Off the top of my head, last year I discovered kids made me forget to take care of myself in a lot of ways which wasn’t good for us, and also that date night takes more, intentional work, which I am still working on πŸ˜….

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I actually wrote a piece on this a while back. Will try to post it sometime when I get to finishing it. 😊 but I feel the trick in my case was to spend more time together REGULARLY. As an example – We get up earlier than the babies ALL days, just so we can drink our morning coffee in peace..lol

        Liked by 1 person

  3. As a young married, I remember my Sunday school teacher saying, “Girls, you have to work on your marriage every single day,” and this came from a woman who was widowed and had been married for over 50 years. She knew what she was talking about!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I really enjoyed your share on this. Its amazing how romance means different things to different folks. Smiles, your hubby passed across great words of worth.

    Love is action and when he or she shows it in their doing, it is part of it. And yes communicating how you feel and how the other party can do better is apt!.

    Happy new year. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for giving an honest and real look into married life. I used to think I was asking for too much to want romance. I am also equipped to know men are not mind readers. Thank you for this blog. I enjoyed it.

    Liked by 1 person

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