My mental bandwidth is a little low this week, and I thought a free-write was in order to clear my head. So, here goes…
This week, we took care of a little dogie lamb for one of my husband’s friends. He is seriously cute – but also messy. I don’t know if I would want it to be a full time job. In the lamb’s defense, once he is ready for the outdoors he will be more cute than hassle. And the kids just died and went to heaven obviously:
In the meantime, I’ve stepped in a lot of pee this week. Speaking of which, whoever said “don’t cry over spilled milk” has obviously never had children. Between the lamb, the diapers, the toys, the food, the laundry, and the spilled milk, I am always cleaning up something.
I’ve lost my patience a lot more and cried to my husband a couple of times. More than sad, though, I get irritable. I am so short with my kids, and I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could magically increase my mental energy.
I remember the days when I had postpartum depression. The first time I officially decided to get my butt into gear and schedule an appointment with a therapist, I was writing in a journal for my son. I looked back over his first few months and realized that all of my memories had a thick, gray cloud over them. I didn’t remember his first smiles, or his little personality, only the sleepless nights and the crying together while we rocked.
I didn’t want to miss another moment.
Now, as I watch myself falling into some of the same traps, I am so conscious of that, anxious even. I don’t want to be irritable; I want to enjoy every moment.
But, as a mom of little ones at home who has been feeling the lonely, the boredom, the isolation, and the constant struggle to balance all the things long before the coronavirus hit, I know a secret.
All we can do is our best. Every moment doesn’t have to have a silver lining. It’s okay to not be okay.
That doesn’t mean I sit in inaction.
In fact, I’ve been making some impressive strides where my habits are concerned. My level of anxiety has prompted a pretty incredulous return to fitness, forging connection outside of my comfort zone, sticking to a schedule, and paying attention to how the foods I eat and my self-care (or lack thereof) make me feel.
I am reading more. I am more intentional. I am constantly trying to do my future self a favor.
But I also give myself a lot of grace. If I could leave just one lesson for my future posterity, it would be that giving yourself grace, and accessing the grace of the Savior who gives His grace freely, are actually the things that make us strong. Along with knowing and loving who you are (which I suppose is two lessons).
So, I’m holding onto those things during uncertain times and taking it a day at a time.
We are also watching a lot of family movies, eating our favorite treats, and cutting each other’s hair 😂.
And I cherish those moments.
Here’s to doing the best we can.